The epic @DanBeebee rant

If there was joy to be found throughout the conference re-alignment kerfuffle, it emanated from the brilliance that was the @DanBeebe fake twitter account.  Day after day, from the apparently drunken ramblings in the evenings, to the miss-understanding of the direct message feature during the day, he's been a bright spot amongst the greed and backbiting of the national re-alignment discussion.

This afternoon, in response to the real life departure of the real life Dan Beebe from the Big XII, @DanBeebe went on an epic rant for the ages.  Hilarity ensued.  Holding back no punches, he hit on each of the original Big XII schools, and especially destroyed A&M and, of course, UT.

To record it for posterity, I now present, in its complete form, the (apparently) departing rant from the Fake Dan Beebe.  Enjoy.






THIS IS WHAT YOU BASTARDS WANTED AND THIS IS WHAT YOU GET!

DANNY DID NOTHING BUT HUSTLE FOR YOU BIG 12 AND THIS IS THE THANKS I GET, A FORCED RESIGNATION JUST SO OKLAHOMA WILL STOP BEING BUTTHOLES

SO LISTEN UP, AND LISTEN WELL

BAYLOR, YOU ARE A HORRIBLE LITTLE PUNK OF A SCHOOL WHO'S ONE CONGRESSMAN'S HEART ATTACK AWAY FROM BEING FORCED INTO D-II

COLORADO, I NEVER CARED ABOUT YOU AT ALL

IOWA STATE, HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A DRAIN ON THE CONFERENCE AND ON MY SANITY. YOU ARE WORTHLESS. EVERYONE IS FLEEING YOU.

KANSAS, IF YOU WANT TO GO TO THE BIG EAST BY ALL DAMN MEANS DO SO, THEY LOVE SCHOOLS WITH GOOD BASKETBALL AND NO FOOTBALL PROGRAM WHATSOEVER

KANSAS STATE YOU ARE WORSE THAN KANSAS AT EVERYTHING, LITERALLY EVERYTHING

NEBRASKA YOU WOULD BE HAPPIER IN PRESCHOOL WHERE NOBODY HAS TO REALIZE THAT THEY'RE NOT SPECIAL LITTLE SNOWFLAKES THAT DESERVE CONSTANT HUGS

I HAVE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER THAN THE DAY NEBRASKA WEASELED OUT OF THE BIG 12 SO THEY COULD LET JIM DELANY TELL THEM HOW IMPORTANT THEY ARE

TAYLOR MARTINEZ IS AIDS ON TWO FEET

BO PELINI HAS DEFINITELY KILLED A MAN BEFORE AND PROBABLY EATEN HIM, AND IF HE DIDN'T CARL DID

TOM OSBORNE PROBABLY DIED FIVE YEARS AGO AND NOBODY HAD THE HEART TO TELL HIM

OKLAHOMA, WHAT GALAXY DO YOU LIVE IN AND WHY CAN'T YOU GO PLAY SPORTS THERE INSTEAD. YOU ARE MORE OVERRATED THAN TAYLOR SWIFT'S AWFUL FACE

NOBODY CARES WHAT T. BOONE PICKENS HAS TO SAY ABOUT ANYTHING. OKLAHOMA STATE IS KANSAS STATE BUT FURTHER SOUTH IS ALL

TEXAS TECH YOU LISTENED TO THAT HOOKER-SLAUGHTERING CRETIN CRAIG JAMES OVER MIKE LEACH AND FOR THAT I HOPE THE EARTH SWALLOWS YOUR CAMPUS

TEXAS A&M, YOU ARE NEVER WINNING A TITLE IN THE SEC, NOT EVEN ONCE, AND AT LEAST 80% OF YOUR STUDENT BODY IS WEIRD

I MEAN TEXAS A&M STUDENTS ARE THE KIND OF WEIRD WHERE YOU DON'T LEAVE THEM IN THE SAME ROOM AS HOUSE PETS UNATTENDED

TEXAS A&M YELL LEADERS ARE BECAUSE AGGIE IS SCARED OF WOMEN SO CONGRATULATIONS FOR BRINGING SAUDI ARABIAN CULTURE TO AMERICA YOU INBREDS

RICK PERRY IS AN AGGIE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, HOW IS HE EVEN ALLOWED TO LIVE ALONE AND CUT HIS OWN MEAT MUCH LESS RUN FOR PRESIDENT

I WAS TRYING TO GO MOSTLY IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER BUT I FORGOT MISSOURI. IMAGINE THAT, SOMEONE FORGETTING ABOUT MISSOURI

MISSOURI THROWS MORE PANTIES THAN THE CROWD OF 8TH GRADERS AT A JONAS BROTHERS CONCERT AND YET NOBODY EVER PICKS THEM UP

AND TEXAS

GOOD OLD TEXAS

HEY DELOSS. FUCK TEXAS AND FUCK YOU

I DID EVERYTHING IN MY EARTHLY POWERS TO MAKE SURE YOU WERE THE MOST WELL CARED FOR SCHOOL IN NCAA HISTORY, AND FOR WHAT

WHEN IT ALL WENT DOWN YOU WERE RIGHT THERE AT THE FRONT LINE WAITING TO ABANDON ME JUST LIKE THE REST OF THESE INGRATES

OKLAHOMA AND TEXAS A&M I CAN UNDERSTAND BECAUSE THEY'RE HORRIBLE LITTLE STEPCHILDREN, BUT YOU, TEXAS? YOU?

I WAS READY TO NAME MY TESTICLES HOOKEM AND HORNS FOR YOU AND MAKE "TEXAS WITH A DOLLAR SIGN" THE NEW BIG 12 REALITY

BUT IT WAS NEVER ENOUGH FOR YOU AWFUL, HORRIBLE GREEDY BRATS, WAS IT

TEXAS JUST HAD TO KEEP TAKING AND TAKING AND TAKING. I SHOULD HAVE DONE WHAT LARRY SCOTT DID AND TOLD YOU TO GO PLAY IN TRAFFIC INSTEAD

I HOPE A CLOUD OF PURE DIARRHEA OPENS UP OVER DKR AND FILLS THAT PLACE TO THE BRIM DURING YOUR NEXT GAME

I DON'T EVEN WANT TO SEE BURNT ORANGE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. IT LOOKS LIKE BABY POOP

TEXAS IS GOING TO BE LONELY FOREVER AND THAT'S STILL A FATE BETTER THAN IT DESERVES

NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR EYES. YOU STOLE THAT SONG FROM A CHILDRENS SONG

THE EYES OF TEXAS ARE UPONNN YOUU... ALLLL THE LIVE LONG DAYYYYYY

YOU HAVE TO SING YOUR FIGHT SONG ALONG TO "I'VE BEEN WORKING ON THE RAILROAD" AND YOU EXPECT ANYBODY TO TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE CITY OF AUSTIN DID TO DESERVE HAVING SUCH A HORRIBLE BUNCH OF HYPER-PRIVILEGED BRATS OVERTAKE IT BUT IT CAN'T BE GOOD

CAN WE NUKE AUSTIN? IS THAT APPROPRIATE? IT'S PROBABLY APPROPRIATE

I'M OUT. I'M NEVER COMMISSIONERING ANOTHER CONFERENCE EVER AGAIN. COLLEGE SPORTS ARE TO COLLEGE WHAT GENITAL WARTS ARE TO GENITALS

ENJOY YOUR MISERABLE LITTLE CONFERENCE, "BIG 12." I HOPE YOU FAIL. I'M OUT. GOODBYE.

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Bravo, @DanBeebe.  Bra-fucking-vo.